Belonging
by suicidalunicorn97
Summary: "He kept fighting. Tried to be okay. And sometimes, he was. He truly loved Dean. The rare moments when they laughed together, when he would catch the hunter staring at him with adoration he didn't deserve...those were the things keeping him alive. But he was drowning. Choking on the idea he could ever belong here." Trigger warning for suicidal thoughts. Set in Season 9.
1. Chapter 1

**Set in Season 9, after the angels fall and Cas loses his grace. Ezekiel/Gadreel doesn't exist in this fic**

* * *

Dean wasn't used to staying in one place for too long, but he could definitely get used to this. The Bunker was great. Safe, even quiet for the most part. It felt like home, and for that he was thankful. He never thought he'd be the type to settle down. Then again, he never thought he'd be in a relationship with a guy either. But here he was.

Technically Cas wasn't a "guy" per se, he was an angel. But it had taken Dean waaaay to long to admit to himself he wasn't 100% straight. Even longer to admit it to Cas. But in the Crypt, when the angel was under Naomi's control and about to kill him, he couldn't die without saying those words.

 _"I love you."_

He'd broken through Naomi's hold, but Cas didn't stay. They didn't even talk about it, and Dean spent weeks beating himself up. Had he scared his friend away? But he couldn't dwell on it, they had the Trials to finish, and surely Cas had his own "angel-stuff" going on.

Well, things went to shit for the both of them, in a big way.

* * *

Sam was still recovering from the Trials. He had nearly died. It had only been a month, and he could barely move around the kitchen without help. He slept most of the time, which was concerning. But he was getting better, and that's what counted.

Cas was human.

He'd called Dean from a payphone, explaining how Metatron had betrayed him, stolen his Grace, and caused the angels to fall. Dean was still pissed that he hadn't called sooner, but his anger was forgotten as soon as he drove to pick him up from the middle of nowhere.

Cas had looked so broken. Clothes muddy and torn, shoulders hunched in defeat...and his eyes. Like all the fight had left them. He got into the Impala, avoiding eye-contact with Dean. The only words he said the whole drive was a heartfelt "thank you."

They arrived at the bunker, and Dean showed him to the showers. He left some of his own clothes outside the door; Cas would have to borrow them until they had a chance to go shopping.

His friend emerged from the showers looking better. Dean's heart skipped a beat at the sight of Cas wearing his shirt. It was a red hoodie he hadn't worn in forever, but the former angel made it look good. The gray sweatpants looked a little loose, but they would do.

"Hey. How you feeling?"

"Human." Cas said, still avoiding Dean's eyes.

"It's not so bad." Dean lied. "You'll get used to it."

"I don't want to get used it!" Cas looked up for the first time, and Dean was shocked to see tears in his eyes.

"Cas..."

"Did you mean it?" His friend stared up at him with those vulnerable blue eyes.

Dean instantly knew what he was talking about. "Yeah. I meant it." He pulled Cas into his arms and just held him while the angel's shoulders shook with silent sobs. "Shh, it's okay. I've got you." He shed a few tears of his own with Cas's face buried in his chest.

He half-carried Cas to bed. It was late, so he didn't have time to put the guest bedroom together. He laid Cas down on his own bed. It was more comfortable anyway. He tucked him in like he was a child, and turned off the light. He went to go sleep on the couch, but couldn't walk away when Cas called out to him.

"Please stay," He pleaded.

Dean sighed and pulled up a chair, but Cas's hand shot out and grabbed his wrist. "Will you...sleep next to me?"

He blinked, surprised at the request. "Umm..."

"Please."

God, how could he resist that? He climbed into bed next to Cas, and the angel settled right in, back pressed against Dean's chest. He didn't know what to do with his hands, so he did what felt natural; wrapped them around Cas's waist. Enveloped in warmth, the angel finally started to relax.

"I love you too." He whispered softly.

Despite the obviously horrible situation that had brought them together, Dean was happy. Worried as hell about Cas, of course, but happy. Here he was, holding his best friend. They'd finally been able to say the words that mattered most, and maybe things would be okay.

* * *

Cas wanted to go out and start looking for a way to fix things; to return the angels to Heaven and get his Grace back...but Dean managed to convince him to stay at the Bunker until he got the hang of being human.

Truth be told, he wanted to go with Cas when he left, help him out and maybe even find Metadouche. Oh, how he wanted to beat the living shit out of that fucker. But with Sam still weak, he felt like he should stay here. Looking after his little brother was his main priority.

He'd expected Sam to be shocked when he learned of his relationship with Cas, but the younger Winchester just gave a knowing smirk and said, "It's about damn time."

Kevin seemed a little more surprised, but accepted it without question.

The prophet had been staying with them as well, up until recently. They had Crowley chained in their basement, and he'd let it slip that Kevin's mother was still alive. This prompted a quick rescue mission, which had almost ended in disaster.

Sam was in no shape to be up and around, and the young prophet was too emotional to be objective. So Dean and Cas went to the location where Linda Tran was being held. There were five demons guarding her, and it should've been easy. But Cas overestimated his strength. He must've forgotten he was human for a moment, and tried to smite the black-eyed sons of bitches. They knocked him out within the first 10 minutes. Dean ended up killing all five of them, and essentially rescuing Mrs. Tran single-handedly.

When Cas regained consciousness, he apologized profusely. Dean just kissed him and told him it was fine; there was no point in making him feel worse. They drove to the hospital where Mrs. Tran was admitted for dehydration, and Cas was treated for a bad concussion.

Kevin was thrilled to have his mother back safely, and he moved in with her. (After thoroughly demon-proofing their home)

With Kevin gone, the Bunker seemed even quieter. Cas didn't talk much, and Dean was getting worried. The angel spent all his time on Sam's laptop, trying to keep track of Metatron sightings through the internet. Apparently the angel's God-complex was manifesting itself in new ways; he called himself Marv, and walked among the humans pretending to be a miracle-worker. But he never stayed in one place, and Cas couldn't find a pattern to his "miracles".

* * *

Cas wanted to go out; staying here seemed so pointless. But as the recent events had demonstrated, he was basically useless. He trained with Dean, trying to get a sense of his new human limits. He had to admit, it definitely boosted his confidence. The hunter would stare at his body throughout the workout, licking his lips as those green eyes raked over his body with approval. Dean insisted he was 'pretty buff for a tax accountant', but he was at a fraction of his old strength.

He was trying to adjust, but the human emotions were getting the best of him. Everything was too much. It seemed like whenever he slept, his dreams were filled with horror. Memories, images...centuries worth of violence. His only comfort was waking up to Dean. The hunter would hold him closer, kiss his forehead, and ask if he wanted to talk about it. He never did.

Cas realized that he was only staying alive for Dean at this point. He saw no purpose in burdening this planet with his presence any longer. The factions of angels would eventually stop battling and one side would emerge victorious. There would be a new God. Earth had survived celestial regime changes before, this time would be no different.

 _But Dean..._

He hated the idea of leaving him now. Just when the hunter had found happiness. He'd been alive for centuries, and was now unconcerned with the fate of the world. But somehow he couldn't bear to cause this one human more pain. Dean had lost so much already...

So he kept fighting. Tried to be okay. And sometimes, he was. He truly loved Dean. The rare moments when they laughed together, when he would catch the hunter staring at him with adoration he didn't deserve...those were the things keeping him alive.

But he was drowning. Choking on the idea he could ever belong here.


	2. Chapter 2

Sometimes, Dean liked to just watch Cas. Especially now they were together and he could appreciate those devastatingly handsome features. Right now, the former angel was in the library, staring intently at whatever was on Sam's laptop. His electric blue eyes were glued to the screen; must be something interesting. His eyebrows were knit together in concentration, and he was biting his lip absently. He was beautiful.

Dean cleared his throat and walked toward the table. "Hey, anything on Metadouche?"

Cas's head shot up and he jumped slightly, basically slamming the laptop closed. "Dean!" He said, voice suspiciously high. "Um, no. Nothing new."

Dean raised an eyebrow. "Anything you'd like to share with the class?" He smirked.

"No." He looked guilty, and Dean had an idea of what he'd been looking at.

"Whatever it is, I've seen weirder. You're fairly new to the world of porn." He chuckled. "If you see anything you wanna try, let me know." He winked. They'd kept it pretty tame so far; stopping at hand and blowjobs. He didn't wanna overwhelm Cas, and truthfully he wasn't comfortable taking it further yet either. Cas was the first guy he'd ever been with.

A faint blush rose in the former angel's cheeks, and Dean wondered again how it was possible for any full grown man to look that cute. He smiled self-consciously. "I um, will let you know. Did you need something?"

Dean sighed. "Come on, man. you've been on that thing for hours. You should take a break." He pulled Cas's chair out, and basically dragged him to his feet.

"I don't know what else to do; looking for Metatron seems like the best use of my time."

"It's okay to step away for a while, dude. I doubt anything earth-shattering is gonna turn up in the next hour or two. Let's go watch a movie or something."

Cas reluctantly nodded, and Dean took his hand and let him to the living area, where they'd set up a couple couches and a DVD player attached to a projector.

"We're gonna watch Inception. That okay with you?"

"Sure."

Dean put the movie in and dimmed the lights, flopping down on the couch next to Cas. He put his arm around the shorter man's shoulders, so Cas's head was resting on his chest.

"I can hear your heartbeat." He murmured happily.

"Yeah?" He knew Cas had a thing for that. Whenever he'd have a nightmare, Dean would pull him close like this and just let him listen. He assumed it was a comfort thing.

"It's a little fast, but within healthy range."

Dean kissed the top of his head. "It's cause you make my heart race, baby."

"That adage makes no anatomical sense."

The hunter chuckled. "Shut up and watch the movie." He said affectionately.

* * *

Halfway through the movie, Dean's phone buzzed. He unlocked it to see a message from Sam.

 **Can you bring my laptop?**

Dean sighed, nudging Cas, "Hey, scoot for a minute."

"Where are you going?"

"Sam needs something. I'll be right back, you don't have to pause it."

He went to the library to pick up Sam's laptop. They really needed to get Cas one of his own. It had worked out so far, seeing as Sam spent most his time sleeping to recover. But he was getting better, and the kid was way too attached to his computer.

"How are you feeling?" Dean asked, tossing the laptop at his brother.

"Good." Sam smiled weakly, flipping open his laptop and hitting the power button to get it out of sleep mode.

"Do you need anything else? Food?"

"Nah, I'm fine." Sam's eyes flickered to his screen, and he did a double-take. "Woah."

Dean chuckled. "Yeah, Cas was looking at some weird porn earlier. He shut the thing as soon as I walked in."

"This isn't porn." Sam said quietly, his expression serious. He turned the laptop around.

"Oh my God..."

There were several tabs open; the first was a Google search of **Best way to commit suicide.** The other pages went into detail about different methods. _Jumping. Poisoning. Wrist slitting. Gunshot._

Dean stared at it in horror. "This has gotta be for a case or something, he wouldn't..."

"Are you sure?" Sam asked. "I mean, I'm obviously not around him as much as you are, but he seems kinda down."

"Well yeah, he had his grace ripped out by some asshat angel! Of course he's gonna 'kinda down'. But he's not...he can't be..."

"Suicidal?"

"Yeah."

Sam was quiet. "If you're sure...I mean, he's your boyfriend."

"I need to ask him about this. Mind if I borrow your laptop for a bit?"

Sam shook his head. "Go for it. Let me know." He said, obviously worried.

Dean walked out of Sam's room, laptop in hand. He felt sick to his stomach. This had to be a misunderstanding.

He flipped on the lights and paused the movie. "Is everything alright?" Cas asked, turning around.

"You tell me." Dean swallowed hard, turning the screen so Cas could see it.

"Oh." The look of guilt and shame on his face said it all.

"What the fuck is this? Dean asked.

"It's nothing. Research."

"For what?"

Cas didn't have an answer. Dean angrily shut the laptop and tossed it onto a chair. "So that's it, huh? You're just checking out?"

"Dean-"

"Why? Is it me? Am I not good enough for you? Finally get an up-close view of humanity and decide you'd rather die than be here? You coulda just broken up with me." His words had started out sarcastic and mocking, but ended up sounding much more vulnerable. angry tears were pricking at his eyes.

"Stop," Cas begged. "You are the reason I'm still here. You don't understand, I can't do it anymore..."

"Do what?" Dean demanded. "Cause whatever it is, me and Sam are here for you. Especially me!"

"I can't be this powerless anymore. I can't take the nightmares..." He took a shaky breath. "We need to face the reality that I may never get my Grace back. And the spell casting the angels from Heaven may be permanent. I can't live like this anymore, can't be this useless."

"So humans are useless now? Makin' me feel real good about myself, Cas." Dean huffed cynically.

"Just me." Cas said quietly. "I can't even hunt. I'll just get in the way. You can't do your job if you're always worried about me. I thought I'd make it easier on you and just leave. You deserve so much better, Dean. I'm worthless." Cas sank down onto the couch, putting his head in his hands.

Dean sat next to him. It broke his heart, how honest Cas sounded. He sincerely believe those words. "Goddammit." He growled, shaking Cas's shoulders. "You're not worthless. Don't you dare think that again. Ever. You hear me?"

The former angel looked up at him, blue eyes wet. "I'm sorry."

Dean felt like a real dick for making this about him. Obviously Cas was in pain, and the first thing he'd done was try to pick a fight. How self-centered could he get? The guy had been through hell. He'd lost his Grace, become human, and had all those new emotions to deal with, on top of the guilt he felt for playing a part in the angels' fall from Heaven.

"No, I'm sorry." Dean said hoarsely, putting his arms around Cas. "God, I'm so sorry."

The guy was shaking. He just clung to Dean like a lifeline, and the hunter had no intention of letting go. He held onto Cas tightly, running a hand through the angel's soft brown hair. "It's gonna be okay..." He murmured over and over again. "I _love_ you. Just please don't leave..."

* * *

 **It's gonna be a busy week for me, I probably won't get a chance to write the next chapter til Friday. Sorry :/ Thanks for reading!**


	3. Chapter 3

Dean didn't know what to do. Obviously Cas was doing worse than they could've ever imagined.

"You can't kill yourself." Dean finally whispered, still stroking Cas's arm absently. They'd been sitting like that for a good twenty minutes, not saying a word. Holding onto each other like they could disappear at any moment. "You can't."

"I don't want to talk about this right now." Cas stated tiredly.

"But-"

"Please."

Dean sighed. "Fine." There was an uncomfortably heavy silence, so he reached for the remote and pressed play, gently nudging Cas. "I'm gonna go check on Sam, he really did want his laptop. I'll be right back." He stood up, missing his lover's warmth as soon as he did. For some reason he didn't feel complete unless they were touching.

"Don't go anywhere." He added as an afterthought. He almost wished Kevin was still here to keep an eye on Cas. He was reluctant to let him out of sight, but he'd promised to let Sam know what was going on.

* * *

"What did he say?" Sam asked, eyes wide with concern. His suspicions had been confirmed the moment Dean walked in. His red-rimmed eyes and devastated look gave it away.

His brother set the laptop on the bedside table. "He didn't deny any of it."

"Did he explain why...?"

"Said he feels useless. Can't take the nightmares anymore."

"Poor guy." Sam shook his head sadly. "What are we gonna do?"

"Keep him from killing himself." Dean said sharply, as if it was the obvious answer.

"Is he safe right now?"

"Yeah, I think so. He's just finishing up a movie. I should get back."

"Dean, wait."

"What?" His brother asked irritably.

"This isn't something you can just brush off, okay?"

"I know! I'm gonna keep an eye on him, I'm not an idiot." Dean glared.

Sam sighed. "I meant, that might not be enough. You might actually have to _talk_ to him. Tell him he's not useless. Let him know how much he means to you."

"I did."

Sam rubbed his temples. His brother could be really oblivious sometimes. "Yeah, and he might need to hear it again. This isn't a one-time thing. He's been through a lot, he needs to know he can talk to you."

"I tried! He doesn't _want_ to talk to me."

"Maybe not right now...but-"

"Thanks for your input, Dr. Phil." He interrupted. "Text me if you need anything." He walked out, leaving an exasperated Sam hoping Dean was a better listener when Cas needed someone to talk to.


	4. Chapter 4

Dean didn't wanna fall asleep. He considered handcuffing Cas to the bed, (not even for fun reasons, just to make sure he didn't wander off and kill himself in the middle of the night.) but he settled for their usual nightly position. Arms wrapped tightly around his angel's midsection, the shorter man's head nestled under his chin. He buried his face in the crook of Cas's neck, breathing in his familiar scent.

"That tickles." Cas squirmed.

"Yeah?" Dean smirked, moving his fingers to wiggle against Cas's stomach. "What about this?"

The angel made a noise that sounded suspiciously like a giggle, and struggled to push Dean's hand away. "Stopppp,"

Dean did not stop. He moved his hand up to jab at Cas's armpit, an area he'd accidentally discovered was ticklish.

"Two can play at this game" Cas growled playfully, turning and flipping Dean over onto his back almost effortlessly. He straddled the hunter, pinning his wrists down.

Dean inhaled sharply. That was so hot. He knew Cas was strong, but it was unbelievably sexy to be manhandled around like that.

He cleared his throat. "Looks like you win this round, babe."

Cas smirked, but didn't move. "I would say that is a correct observation." He leaned forward, til their mouths were almost touching. Dean could feel his breath, almost taste him. The angel rocked against his pelvis ever so slightly, which elicited a moan.

"Dammit, Cas," He breathed.

"Is something bothering you?" Cas asked innocently, hovering less than an inch in front of his lips. He could feel the hunter's arousal and he moved again.

"C-Cas..."

The angel finally leaned forward, capturing Dean's mouth in a passionate kiss. Their lips just seemed to _fit_ together, like they were made for each other.

"I love you, Cas," Dean breathed as they came up for air. He gazed into those lust-blown blue eyes. "I love you so much."

"I love you too," Cas leaned in again, this time placing a gentle, tender kiss on his lips.

* * *

The next morning, Dean awoke to the sound of his cell phone going off; Sam's ringtone. He untangled himself from Cas just in time to answer the call.

"What?" He groaned.

Sam chuckled. " _Late night?"_

"Shut up." Dean mumbled. He and Cas hadn't actually been up that late. After the tickle fight that had resulted in them rutting against each other like horny teenagers until they both came all over, they'd changed the sheets and fallen asleep almost immediately. "Did you need something?"

 _"I found a case."_ Sam sounded excited.

Dean sat up, causing Cas to stir, slowly waking up. "Hold your horses, you're in no shape to be hunting."

 _"I know."_ There was disappointment in Sam's tone. " _But you and Cas can take care of it."_

"I dunno..." Dean was reluctant to take Cas on another hunt. He wasn't worried about the former angel's ability to take care of himself; they'd been training and the guy was in better shape than he'd ever be in. After showing him some fighting techniques that didn't involve smiting the enemy with angelic power, Dean was confident that Cas was ready to kick ass.

What he _was_ worried about, however, was Cas's mental state. What if he decided to let himself get killed and make it look like an accident?

 _"Come on, man. I think getting him out of the Bunker would help."_

"Yeah, maybe."

" _He might not be an angel anymore, but he's still a soldier, Dean. He's used to the action. Fighting, serving a cause...you know how that is. I think if we get him back out there helping people, it'd be good for him."_

As much as Dean hated to admit it, Sam was right. "Okay, just give us a minute." He hung up.

"Is Sam alright?" Cas asked sleepily. His rough voice and ridiculous bed-head were even more pronounced than usual, and Dean had to smile. How did he get so lucky?

"Yeah, he's good. Thinks he caught a case for us."

Cas sat up, suddenly alert. "Sam is not well enough, so I assume you mean..."

"Yeah, dude. Just the two of us."

"Are you sure you want me to come?" Cas's eyes were wide, unsure.

"Are you kidding? You could probably take out an entire Vamp's nest by yourself." Dean swung his legs over the bed. "Let's go."

* * *

They made their way to Sam's bedroom, still in their pajamas. The younger Winchester grinned when he saw them. "Aw, you guys are adorable."

Dean looked down and realized he was holding Cas's hand. He didn't even remember how it had happened, but he wasn't about to let go. He just squeezed it tighter and replied, "Damn straight."

"Well, straight isn't exactly the word I'd use..." Sam chuckled.

Cas blushed. "Um, Dean said you had a case?"

"Yeah. A bunch of people have gone missing in Lincoln, Nebraska."

Dean raised an eyebrow. "That's it? Usually you're a lot more specific."

"Okay, five people have gone missing in the last two weeks."

"Anything weird about it?"

"Other than five missing persons with no obvious connections?"

Dean shrugged. "Okay, we've gone on less. You in?" He nudged Cas.

"Yes. I'll get ready." He gently pried his hand out of Dean's and left the room.

"Is he okay? He looked kinda freaked out." Sam asked.

"He's fine." Dean said, hoping it was true. "He's just a little nervous." He stepped closer to Sam's bed. "You gonna be okay while we're gone?"

"Dude, I'm not a baby."

"Might as well be, I've been doin' everything short of changing your diapers." Dean teased.

"Shut up." Sam flung a pillow at him. "I'm fine! I've been walking around more, and I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself."

Dean dodged the flying pillow with ease. "You sure? Cause I can call Kevin to babysit."

Sam rolled his eyes. "Just leave."

"Alright, alright, I'm going...there's some microwavable dinners in the freezer, I know how much you love them."

"Jerk,"

"Bitch."

* * *

 **Sorry about the short chapter, I'm tired. Question...how much smut are y'all okay with...? Like, how many of you would be uncomfortable if I included something really explicit?**


	5. Chapter 5

Dean was proud of Cas. His social skills had improved since the last time they'd hunted together. He was still pretty blunt, and didn't always know what questions to ask, but he'd gotten better at listening and knowing when to shut up.

At first they didn't know what they were chasing. Without bodies it was hard to look for clues. But there was one guy who kept popping up.

His name was Alex Tippets, and he was a bartender. Witnesses placed him outside the theater where two of the victims had disappeared. Security cameras showed the third and fourth victims entering his bar but never coming out. And his vehicle was caught on a traffic cam running a red light behind the car of the last missing woman.

It wasn't much to go on, but it was their only lead.

* * *

So they went to his apartment, which looked as if it had been empty for weeks. At this point it was already after hours, but they went to the bar anyway. Breaking in was easy; there wasn't even an alarm system. (Which was suspicious in and of itself)

A little digging around had revealed a trap door behind the bar. It led down to some sort of sketchy basement/wine cellar.

Dean felt around for a light switch, but was tackled to the ground before he found it. "Cas!" He cried out, shining his flashlight up into a mouth full of fangs.

Castiel found the light switch, and the situation became apparent. Vampires. One of them was on top of Dean, and Cas recognized her as one of the missing persons. He grabbed her arm and forcibly removed her from the hunter.

They were coming from every direction.

"Stop!" Dean shouted. "There's a cure, you don't have to do this!"

"Oh, but they do." Came a voice from a darkened corner. "They've all fed. They're beyond saving now. Except this one." Alex Tippets was holding a knife to the throat of a young girl, one of the first victims. She couldn't have been more than seventeen. She looked terrified. "Kill them." He instructed his new nest.

They lunged forward, and the two had no choice but to start swinging. The new vamps were clumsy and weak from the transition; they were decapitated easily. Soon the only ones left were Tippets and the girl.

"Put the knife down, it's over." Dean growled.

"Stupid hunters!" He screamed. "Why can't you leave us alone?"

"I think you know the answer to that. Come on, let her go."

Something shifted in his eyes, and for a moment Cas thought he would let her go.

But he was wrong.

He slit her throat, and she crumpled to the ground. Tippets ran towards them, intent on causing as much damage as possible before being incapacitated. Dean took him out with a single slice, and his severed head hit the floor with a disgusting smack.

Cas ran to the girl as she drew her final breaths, gurgling and sputtering blood everywhere. "I'm sorry," He whispered as the light left her eyes.

Dean touched his shoulder. "You can't save everyone."

* * *

It took them the rest of the night to dispose of the bodies. They arrived back at the motel early that morning, dirty and covered in blood. "You take the first shower. I'm gonna call and check on Sam." Dean gestured for Cas to go first.

The former angel looked down at his blood-soaked shirt and looked like he was about to throw up.

"Hey, it's okay. Breathe." Dean gently moved him toward the bathroom. "If you're gonna hurl, do it in here."

"I'm fine." Cas croaked out, looking anything but fine. He shut the door.

Once Dean heard the water turn on, he dialed Sam's number. "Hey."

 _"Dean, how's it going?"_

"Well, it's over now."

 _"Really? What did it end up being?"_

"Vampire. Wanted to start a new nest. I swear, we've run into way too many of these 'homemaker' types." He sat down, groaning.

This didn't escape Sam's notice. " _You okay?"_

"Must've pulled a muscle." He grunted. "I'm fine."

" _Were you able to save any of them?"_

"No," Dean sighed. "They'd already fed. All but one, and the head vamp slit her throat right in front of us. Poor girl died in Cas's arms."

 _"Damn...how's he doing?"_

"I think he's still in shock. He's in the shower now."

Sam was quiet for a moment. " _Keep an eye on him. That can't be easy, and he's already-"_

"I know. Trust me, I know." Dean changed the subject. "What about you? How are you feeling?"

He could almost hear the eye-roll through the phone. " _I'm alright."_

"You sure?"

 _"Yeah."_

"Good. We'll be home later today, it was a long night. I think we're gonna try to catch some sleep before driving home."

 _"Alright, see you then."_

* * *

Cas felt sick as he watched the blood run down the drain. The girl was still a teenager; a child. She hadn't deserved to go out like that. She had her whole life ahead of her!

He tried to hurry, knowing that Dean was anxious to shower as well. He felt a little better after thoroughly scrubbing the red stain away. He dried himself off and put on some fresh clothes. He'd carefully put the old ones in a trash bag. They were pretty much a total loss.

"Your turn." He said as he walked out of the bathroom. "How's Sam?"

"He's doing alright. Seems to be surviving without us." Dean stood, wincing slightly.

"Are you hurt?" Cas frowned.

"Nah, just a little sore. As much as I hate to admit it, I'm not as young as I used to be."

"The warm water will help." Cas suggested.

"Yeah, thanks. Don't go anywhere." He limped into the bathroom.

"Where would I go?" Cas tilted his head in confusion, but Dean had already shut the door.

Cas sighed, sitting on the edge of the bed. He was exhausted, but not in a physical sense. He had this hollow feeling in the pit of his stomach, and he couldn't shut his mind off. Was there anything they could have done differently? Could they have saved that girl? If they'd found the vampires earlier, could they have been cured?

He just wanted it to stop. The guilt, the _feelings._ He wanted to sleep. He laid down, but his brain was wide awake.


	6. Chapter 6

After a couple hours of sleep, Dean was ready to hit the road again. They packed up and left, after burning their bloody clothes.

Cas hadn't said more than five words since the girl had died, and Dean was starting to worry.

"Hey man, talk to me." He said, reaching over to take Cas's hand.

"You should be watching the road." The former angel pulled away.

Dean tried not to let on how much it hurt. "I am. I don't need my ears to drive, I can still listen."

"I don't know what you want me to say."

"You're just awful quiet, I'd like to know what's on your mind."

"Nothing."

Dean sighed. It was gonna be a long drive.

* * *

They arrived back at the bunker, and Sam greeted them with enthusiasm. He still looked a bit pale, and unsteady on his feet, so Dean got him to sit down long enough to tell them the news.

"I noticed something about the Metatron sightings!"

Cas blinked. He spent hours a day analyzing the sightings and the footage, and had never been able to figure out a pattern. This further confirmed his uselessness. But no matter, he was happy Sam had been able to find something.

"In every video of him performing a miracle, you can see an IHOP somewhere in the footage. Behind him, in a reflection...it's always there."

"Wait a minute, are you saying that Metatron is basically staking out the International Houses of Pancakes for potential miracles?" Dean raised an eyebrow.

"Yeah, I know it sounds crazy, but it's in every single video!"

"That is odd, but great news. Thank you, Sam." Cas patted his shoulder sincerely. "I am sorry I didn't notice this sooner. We must find the next Hop and intercept him."

"Woah there." Dean put a hand up. "First of all, it's IHOP. And second, they're _everywhere._ Did you get a more specific pattern?" He asked Sam.

"No," His brother's smile faded. "He still seems to be choosing the locations randomly."

"It's okay, Sam. You've done better than I have so far. At least we have a lead." Cas said.

Dean's stomach rumbled. "Damn, now I'm craving IHOP. I'm gonna make some pancakes. Sam, go lay down; you look like you're about to fall over."

"I'm fine," He protested, although we was leaning on Cas for support.

"Cas, can you make sure he gets there okay?"

The angel nodded. "Of course."

They limped off, moving slowly.

"So, how are you doing?"

"Since I am the one assisting you with walking, I should be asking _you_ that question."

Sam chuckled. "I'm great. Getting better every day." They reached his room, and Cas released his hold on the younger Winchester. Sam sank down onto the bed.

"I really am okay." He assured, noticing Cas's worried frown. "Without Dean here to bitch at me, I've been moving around more than I probably should've the last couple days."

"You need to rest, or you'll never fully heal."

"I know." Sam sighed. "It's just frustrating when you're used to having full strength and then you can barely walk."

Cas nodded. "I understand that."

"I bet. Seriously, dude. How are you doing?"

"Fine," Cas knew where this conversation was headed, so he turned to leave.

'Wait!" Sam called out, and Cas stopped. "We never really talk anymore. I mean, I know Dean is your boyfriend and everything, but I'm still your friend."

Cas felt a pang of guilt. Sam was right. Ever since he and Dean had gotten together, they'd been neglecting the younger Winchester.

"I'm sorry, Sam. I am not very good at keeping up friendships." He sat at the end of Sam's bed.

"It's okay. I'm kinda used to being the third wheel anyway."

Cas tilted his head. "I don't understand, you're not a wheel."

Sam chuckled. "It's just an expression."

"Oh." There were so many different figures of speech, Cas wondered if he would ever understand them all. "I'm glad you took a look at the Metatron videos. I can't believe I missed the Pancake Hop detail."

"Dude, you spent days watching those things, sometimes it helps to have fresh eyes. Besides, Dean was right. IHOP is everywhere. It's gonna be hard to narrow it down and track his next move."

"What if I never get my Grace back?" Cas blurted out.

Sam's eyes widened. "Hey, don't talk like that. We'll figure something out, we always do."

"But what if we can't this time?"

Sam was quiet for a moment. "Would it really be so bad to live out the rest of your days as a human? You've already got the hang of it. Dean says you're better trained than either of us."

"I've lived for centuries; I know every form of hand-to-hand combat." Cas stated. "I just prefer to use my..." he trailed off. "I guess...it doesn't matter anymore. Being mortal is not so bad." He lied.

"Yeah, it'll just take some getting used to."

Cas nodded, trying to smile despite the wave of hopelessness that had suddenly overwhelmed him.

It was like Sam could sense it. "I've gotta tell you, man. Since you and Dean made it official, it's the happiest I've ever seen him."

"Really?"

"Yeah. He's always talking about you, it's almost pathetic." Sam laughed. "He's so in love with you."

Cas's spirits lifted. "I love him too."

"That's good. Cause if anything ever happened to you...I don't know what he'd do."

Cas looked down. He knew. Dean would be sad, probably drink himself into a stupor. But it would only last a few months, at most. He would move on, and be better for it.

"I love him." He simply repeated. "I always will."

"That's good." Sam searched his face, as if he knew there was more to that statement. But before he could question Cas further, Dean called from the kitchen that the pancakes were ready.


	7. Chapter 7

Cas couldn't sleep. Which was ridiculous, because he'd been awake for over 48 hours. He hadn't slept since the night before the hunt. His body was exhausted, but his mind was wide awake. Spinning, with dark thoughts taking over.

 _He couldn't save that girl. He couldn't save anyone._

 _Why did Dean love him? He didn't deserve it._

 _He was a complete failure as both an angel and a human._

Cas desperately needed these thoughts to stop. He needed to _sleep._

Careful not to wake Dean, he got out of bed and quietly locked himself in the bathroom. He opened up the medicine cabinet, and looked for _anything_ that remotely resembled a sleeping pill.

 _ **Ambien.**_

And there it was. He swallowed two pills, and waited.

Nothing.

Maybe he needed more.

So he took another. And another.

Fuck it, maybe the whole bottle would do the trick.

After downing all the pills, he began to feel slightly woozy.

 _Finally._

He stumbled back to bed, sinking into the soft sheets. He snuggled close to Dean, who stirred, but didn't wake up.

At last, his mind was quiet. His vision blurred dark around the edges, and Cas didn't fight it. He simply closed his eyes and let sleep take him.

* * *

Dean woke up, shivering slightly. Either he or Cas had kicked the blankets off. He pulled them back up, and put his arms around his angel's warm body.

Wait.

Was Cas breathing?

Normally in this position Dean could feel the rise and fall of Cas's chest.

Panicking, Dean threw the blankets off and turned on the light.

"Cas?" He said loudly, voice wavering. He pressed his hand into his boyfriend's chest, and breathed a sigh of relief when he felt his heartbeat.

But it was way too slow.

His breaths were too shallow.

Dean shook his shoulders, and called his name again, but Cas didn't even stir.

What was going on? Some kid of sleeping curse?

He felt his stomach sink.

"No..."

He rushed to the bathroom, and his suspicions were confirmed. An entire bottle of Ambien lay empty in the sink.

 _Fuck._

He quickly looked through the rest of their medicines, and they all seemed to be untouched. So it was just the Ambien...

He practically ran back to Cas's side, and picked up his phone with trembling hands.

 _Thank God for Google._ He thought as he typed in, **How much Ambien does it take to overdose**

He skimmed through a couple sites, and was relieved to find it took a lot more than one bottle to make a fatal dose.

But still, what had Cad been thinking? Was he trying to kill himself? Dean felt sick. He climbed back into bed, wrapping himself around Cas. His hand rested just above the angel's heart, so he could feel the weak beat. If it stopped, Dean would know.


	8. Chapter 8

Sam woke up on his own, which should've been his first clue something was wrong. Normally Dean would come in around 8 to make sure he was okay, and ask if he needed anything.

He shifted to look at the clock and was surprised to see it was almost 10. He shook his head. It was probably nothing. Dean and Cas had probably been up late doing...well, things he didn't want to think about.

He rolled out of bed and was happy to find that he felt steadier on his feet than usual. Even small improvements were good. He walked down the hallway to his brother's room, and knocked gently.

"Dean, are you decent?"

"Yeah," Came a hoarse reply. It wasn't his 'just-waking-up' voice, and Sam recognized it as Dean's 'trying to hide the fact that I've been crying' voice.

He pushed the door open and found his brother in a chair by the bed, just staring blankly at Cas, who was still asleep. His brother looked like shit.

"Dude, what's going on? Did you sleep at all?" He asked softly, so as not to wake up Cas.

"You don't have to whisper, he's not gonna wake up."

"What do you mean?" Sam asked, feeling his stomach sink. "Oh my God..." He looked at the angel, lying motionless in bed. "Is he..."

"Not dead."

Sam gave a sigh of relief.

"But he gave it his best shot." Dean's voice broke. "He took a whole fuckin' bottle of Ambien, man."

Sam's eyes widened. "What? Shouldn't we be taking him to the hospital?!"

"Nah, I Googled it. He didn't take enough to be fatal."

"Still, that can't be good! What if he has internal damage?"

"Would you please just calm down?" Dean snapped. "I read everything I could find online. He's gonna be okay. Just...probably won't wake up for a while."

"Jesus." Sam suddenly felt weak.

Dean must have noticed. He stood, quickly coming to his brother's side. "Sit down." He practically pushed Sam into the chair.

"I'm fine."

"Yeah, I can tell."

"Really, just...give me a minute..." Sam looked at Cas. If he didn't know any better, he'd just assume the angel was sleeping soundly. Not unconscious. "Why'd he do it?" He asked softly.

"Oh, I plan to ask him the minute he wakes up." Dean replied.

* * *

But Cas didn't wake up.

At least, not that day.

Or that night.

Dean didn't sleep at all. He barely left Cas's side. He kept his eyes glued to the angel, hand resting on his pulse point to make sure he was still alive.

By the next morning, he was regretting his decision not to take him to the hospital.

Around 5 pm, just when he was about to give in and drive to the ER, Cas stirred. His breathing changed, became more irregular. His eyelids fluttered and a groan escaped his lips.

"Cas?"

His blue eyes opened, looking dazed and confused. "Dean," He rasped, frowning as he let the hunter come into focus. Red rimmed eyes, messy hair...looked like he hadn't slept in a week... "W-what's wrong?"

Dean gave a choked laugh. "Seriously?" He ran a hand through his hair. "I was so fucking worried...we didn't know if...I mean, I thought you'd never wake up."

"How long was I asleep?"

"Like two days."

Cas's eyes widened and he sat straight up, despite the dizziness.

"Woah, take it easy." Dean grabbed his hand as Cas leaned back against the headboard.

"I have been asleep for two days, I think I've been taking it 'too easy'." He mumbled.

"You can say that again." Dean got up and started pacing around the room. "What the hell were you thinking?! You could've died, Cas!" He turned, meeting the angel's eyes. "Or was that the point?" He asked softly, voice trembling with emotion.

"N-no!" Cas denied.

"Dude, a _week_ ago, we found all that shit on Sam's laptop, and you basically admitted to being suicidal! I'm not stupid, no one takes an entire fucking bottle of Ambien if they don't have a death wish."

Cas looked down, and Dean felt his heart breaking further. Words like ** _overdose_** and **_suicide attempt_** had been floating through his mind the entire time, but he couldn't bring himself to say them.

"Please, talk to me. I can't lose you." He pleaded, sitting back down and letting his hand stroke Cas's arm softly.

"I wasn't _trying_ to kill myself." He whispered. "I just wanted to sleep."

Dean was quiet, hoping Cas would elaborate on that.

"So many thoughts, I just...couldn't."

"Couldn't make 'em stop." Dean nodded. "I get it."

"I was so tired. I needed...something, I needed to sleep."

"Cas, even _one_ of those pills would've done the trick." Dean, swallowing hard. "Why'd you have to take the whole bottle?"

"I took one, and it wasn't working...so-"

"Dammit, it's not instantaneous! They take a minute to work! And 30 pills? You can't possibly justify that."

"You're right." Cas looked away. "At that point, I was so _tired..._ just so done. I wanted to stop feeling. I think I _wanted_ to sleep for a week."

"Cas," Dean touched his face, gently forcing him to meet his gaze. "Did you want to die?" He asked in a trembling voice. "I need to know, I just need you to be honest with me."

"Maybe...a little." He admitted.

Dean let out a shuddering breath, a half-sob. "Cas, why? What can I do? Jesus, I'm _trying..._ I'm trying so goddamn hard, and I don't know what to do..." He climbed onto the bed and pulled the angel close to his chest.

"I'm sorry...I'm so sorry..." Cas couldn't even put a sentence together.

"Worst moment of my life...when I saw that empty bottle." Dean threaded his fingers through the angel's soft hair.

"I won't do it again." Cas said firmly.

"Promise?"

"Yes."

"Thank you," He kissed the top of Cas's head. "Next time you can't sleep, please just wake me up. Or hell, try counting sheep like a normal person."

"I'm not a normal person."

"Oh, I know," Dean chuckled. "But I'm serious, wake me up. You don't have to deal with this alone. If you ever feel like that again, ever think about doing something stupid..."

"I'll let you know."

They sat there for what felt like hours, just holding each other.

* * *

They didn't even notice that Sam had come in, until they heard him clear his throat. "Cas, you're awake!" He exclaimed.

"Yes, I'm conscious now. I am sorry for the concern I may have caused..." He said apologetically.

"We're just glad you're okay. How are you feeling?"

"Fine. My stomach hurts a bit, I think I'm hungry." Cas replied honestly.

"I bet. You haven't eaten for two days." Dean frowned.

"Why don't you go make some toast or something?" Sam suggested. "I wanna talk to him, if that's alright."

They both nodded, and Dean pressed one more kiss to Cas's forehead before climbing out of bed. "Don't leave him alone." He whispered discreetly to Sam on his way out.

The younger Winchester sat in the chair next to the bed. "Hey,"

"How are you doing, Sam?"

"I'm good. Actually feeling a little stronger this morning."

"That's great news!" Cas smiled.

"Yeah. Anyway...I know you and Dean have probably talked about things, and I don't wanna make you repeat everything. But...I just need to know. How do you think Dean would feel if you died?"

Cas was quiet.

"And I want you to be honest. Don't just tell me what you think I wanna hear."

"He...would be upset. Start drinking more. But he would move on, eventually."

"That's where you're wrong." Sam looked him in the eyes. "I know my brother. When he loves, it's with everything he has. _'Upset'_ doesn't even begin to cover what he would feel. Try absolute devastation. I can see two things happening. One; he starts hunting more recklessly and gets himself killed, or two, he just goes out back and blows his brains out."

Cas flinched.

"So please remember, it's not just your life you'd be throwing away. It's his too." Sam looked down. "You're my best friend Cas. You and Dean are all I have left. Please don't go. We need you."

Cas put a hand on Sam's arm. "I'm not going anywhere." He said. "I can't take the easy way out."

"Damn straight." Dean said quietly.

"H-how long have you been standing there?" Sam turned around, quickly wiping tears from his hazel eyes.

"Long enough." Dean said. "Nobody is leaving _anyone._ Understood?" He said gruffly. "We're in this together, alright? We're a family."

Cas felt a piece of his broken heart fall back into place. Dean was right. How could he ever leave his family?


End file.
